God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I think I died a long time ago.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
