Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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