You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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