Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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