I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
