Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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