Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
