my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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