Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
