Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
