I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I have fence marks all over my body
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
