Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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