yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
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He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
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Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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