That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he puts the penis in happiness.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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