It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
