I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
