This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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