franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
