do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
