Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I am in a vortex of obligation.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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