im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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