The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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