I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
