Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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