She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
