She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
