I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
