when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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