So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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