nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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