I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
my phone needs a breathalizer
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
