garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
