dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
