i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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