the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
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There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
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Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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