if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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