I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
