You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Enjoy the penises
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
And then he peed in my hair
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