I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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