I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
