I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
