i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
