Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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