My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
