I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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