I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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