im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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