we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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