I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
