I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
