So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
