I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
