My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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