if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he shaved USA in his pubs
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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