Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
