ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Holy shit dude........stairs
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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