; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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