The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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