I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just invented taco cereal.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
