Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
