how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
