My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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