So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
