Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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