hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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