Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I need to stop coming to work sober
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
