you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
your like the ambassador to my penis.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
